The Adventures of Queer Gon
by maddymouse
Summary: Some queer adventures. Slashes,randomness and lots of sus bantha jokes :


The Adventures of Queer Gon

_Chapter 1_: Credits go poof!

_Author__'s note:_ This contains Jedi being homosexual. This is slash!!! If you don't like it then don't read it, however the characters can be very entertaining if they are gay, insane, or appear to be hyped up on Prozac– just thought I'd point it out. I take great pleasure in twisting and subverting the natural order of Star Wars. It's a hobby.

_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing, except the random storyline and a complete set of new guitar strings.

_Dedication_: To Jess or DRS, my beta – you are my living spell check.

_Happy Reading:_

"What do you mean, there are no more credits in the Temple's accounts!?" shouted a fluttered Mace.

"All credits, poof they have gone" replied a calm Yoda.

"Are you kidding me?? We're the God-damn Jedi Council, we have postings all over the universe. Are you trying to tell me that suddenly we're broke?" said Mace, eyes bulging.

"A little slow, you always have been," smirked the little green Jedi Master as he inhaled deeply from the small white stick in his claws.

"How could that have happened….and why are you so fricking calm?" Mace looked ready to kill something. You could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears…wait a minute…..there WAS smoke coming out of his ears.

To ease his troubled mind, Mace had whipped out the little pocket mirror he always carried around. In case of emergency of course… definitely not in case his hair decided to grow back…..

While admiring his visage, his hand swept upwards pretending to stroke the lovely long locks that existed in his happy place. But then – GASP – in the reflection he spotted the smoke, and did as any other grown male with superhuman powers would do.

"ARGH, MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!!" screamed the fearless Jedi, always a master of self-control. He ran around in circles a few times on the floor, then had a brainwave. _What do they always say at those safety meetings? ... break in case of fire?… no, that's not it… get down low, and go, go, go?... maybe… I know!... When in doubt, blow it out!!_

Using super human speed he began to dash and leap his way around the walls of the small mediation room that he and Yoda had booked for some _alone_ time… err… for an important meeting.

He became a black and cream blur, occasionally adding a flash of purplish pink lightsaber to the mix. It would have sent most humans into a fit of epilepsy. How fortunate Yoda wasn't human.

"Wohhaa, dude, awesome is the lightshow totally" said the dazed jedi master. He began to clap with his little clawed hands.

That loss of grip was all he needed to get caught by the created whirlwind. Like a puppet being battered by supernatural gusts of wind, Yoda was now threatened with the distinct possibility of flying out the conveniently low window. He was clinging on for dear life, his claws embedded in the side of his parked hover chair; however, with each passing moment, his claws were slowly losing their grip and carving scratch marks in the paintwork.

Yoda's eyes boggled. Not his paintwork. Not his Bling!!

When one's eyes boggle, one's mouth tends to assume the position of 'wide open'. To Yoda's horror, the joint he had clenched in his mouth flew out the said window, and down…down………………..down, down, down, into the slums of Coruscant, far below.

To his haze-filled mind, this was a crime of the highest degree. Mace would pay.

"Running you shall cease, moron" commanded Yoda. When this command went unheard, a hint of malice crept into the old Jedi's eyes (which were firmly back in normal position, after their boggling adventure. ….although eye drops were now on Yoda's shopping list.)

With skill only possessed by a Jedi Master, he mentally removed Mace's shirt.

"Eeepp!!" Mace screamed to a halt. He flung his hands over his chest and modestly tried to turn away.

Yoda cocked an eyebrow. He stored that piece of gossip in his memory banks, filed under 'I' for "In the closet behaviour".

Deciding to ignore this little fiasco, Yoda climbed back into his chair, wincing at the scratched paintwork.

"Hair you have not. My smoke it was." Yoda's eyes got teary. "Now gone it is, all gone is my precious…." He hunched over, as his claws began stroking imaginary joints.

"You know I've seen that somewhere before…it was in a movie…..back in the days we could AFFORD movie tickets!!" Mace slumped to the floor." So, we squandered the council fortune on blinged-up appliances, that new tea room for the padawans, _happy_ sticks, your new cooking class with mushrooms….I still don't see how they are magic…. an order of new leather pants (its surprising, the rip rate of those seductively tight leggings…), and a trip to Hoth for the skiing season….._Sith_ we're in trouble.."

"Forget not your hair extensions, must you…or those growth formulas"

"But they said 'tested on banthas'! Have you any idea how soft and supple their long hair is?"

Yoda once again assumed the 'eye boggle and fish mouth' position.

"…Never mind…." Mace waved his hand, Jedi mind-trick style "I never said that."

"Never said that, did you" Mace grinned. That always worked on the old coot, every time he had to hide a particularly big credit bill.

"False hope you will have; your hair, return it will"

"My hair will come back, there is hope!! Maybe if I switch shampoos…"

Yoda snickered. It was fun to play with the mind of a lower life form. As they say, simple mind, simple pleasures….

He then returned to playing with a ball of string that had suddenly appeared. Mace joined in, and soon they were rolling around on the floor together, wrestling for the magical fun a ball of wool represented.

As they both reached for the ball, Mace found himself staring into Yoda's eyes, and found himself lost in the mystical depths of those limpid pools of ocean green. They were so….beautiful… It made you just want to reach out and…..

"Hello? Masters? Are you in here?"

Startled, they jumped away from each other at the sound of the Padawan's voice. Except Yoda decided to force jump. He came perilously close to falling out the open window again and would have, if it hadn't been for two strong arms holding him tightly. Mace had leapt to Yoda's side, his arms drawing the little green Jedi out of danger and into his protective embrace.

Yoda looked up and smiled at Mace. "To you, indebted I am, Master Windu."

Breathless, Mace whispered, "Again time."

"Hehemm." Both Masters looked at the Padawan. The boy was starting to look a bit ill.

"Do you have reason for…interrupting us?"

"Um… yes, Masters. I have master Jinn here to see you, he's in the waiting room"

After delivering his message the padawan began to walk out of the mediation room, quickening his pace after the first few steps. By the time he got to the door, his eye was beginning to twitch. As he opened the door, he was met with disturbing sight………and could only think '_What is this Order coming to…?_'

Xbxbxbbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbxbb

Hello readers. I know this is "The adventures of _Queer gon_",and currently there is no Qui gon in sight, but fear not – he's got next chappy all to himself. It would be nice to get some reviews, as they are cyber love. If you hate it, then feel free to flame. I need something to toast my cyber marshmallows on.


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